One-Liners

Love was an index of first lines

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THE SERIOUS…

There’s poetry enough in the silent sough; there’s music to fill the quiet still.

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I have made sweet the music; heaven herself sighs at my sound.

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Hyperbole and hyperbaton my greatest lovers are. Nights, they twirl me worldly and my words they dance among the stars.

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Still I have dreams to be dreamt. Beautiful oneirism that you lent.

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If I stumble around in the darkness long enough maybe I’ll light upon the answer.

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Out of the sty and returning to the fold.

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Hoping to be the prodigal son not just the profligate.

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I care nothing for rejection.

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“My heart has known but one love.”
“Ah, but your love known not one.”

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Please, don’t call me sweetheart. There’s little of me that’s sweet, and least of all my heart.

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The colm after the storm.

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I run a fever pitch black night in gale.

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We lived life too dangerously. The edge liked not our closeness.

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Our sons called us to be heroes; our daughters only to be there.

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And we know not what to make of ourselves.

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Forgive us Father for they have always known what they did.

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Mine eyes have seen the light. They preferred the darkness.

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There’s no logic in words, only order.

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Can you hear my primal scream through the muffle of thesauri?

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I can’t find the words and I don’t know where I had them last.

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Please someone make some noise. This silence is too much – I can hear myself think.

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No more downcast that out.

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Never forget the oubliette.

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If only the distance between distress and destress were really so small as a letter, I would cross her at a leap.

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She took my hand and the rest was sweet surrender.

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This relief of tears by which I shall map the contours of your being.

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O Woman, thy name is no longer mine.

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And our hearts died with the pain of living, the pain of loving.

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Beat still, my dying heart.

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Amar es apoderar.

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O the things we do for hate!

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He envanecido y evanecido y legado al mundo una nueva flor.

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En un brusco despertar, en un abrir y nunca cerrar de ojos.

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Amanezca amanuense que anhelo tocar la belleza del alba.

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I procrastinate only to dwell a second longer with the beauty of the word

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I didn’t mean to welcome the dawn; but I couldn’t say goodbye to the night.

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I must look on beauty, kiss the flaming lips and drink deep such draughts of life.

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Every word that ever left my mouth was well considered…By me because I said it; by society precisely because they could not.

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Oh I am never intelligible. To be comprehensible is to be apprehensible. And my genius must be free to develop without arrest.

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My aim has always been to make women laugh in spite of themselves, and on the rare occasion merely to spite them.

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My standards are slipping…soon they’ll match up with my ability.

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Crawling with life, teaming with death.

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And so it is proven as unto the saying: All’s well that ends.

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A birth. A blip. A bullet bit.

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None of us were born. We simply arrived flung upon the world and we don’t know that we are falling still.

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No sé el porqué de mi tristeza, es un sinrazón.

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“God, you’re so thoughtless!”

“Not yet darling, but I am trying. Believe me, I am trying.”

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O to make an end without amends that would be bliss.

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The world couldn’t hold me, but all I ever wanted were her arms.

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Goodbye, I’ve led a good and useful lie.

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…AND THE SILLY

My Great Tory Joy

O What Larks have me in their exaltation? What cool fancy in flight?

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Olympics? Bunch of amateurs!

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Suffering from foot in mouth disease. And I’ve got corns. Those are gonna show up again later.

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“It’s hard to be humble when you’re from Oxford”

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They call me Little Dick, which is ironic cos really I’m a hermaphrodite.

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An o so flagrant vagrant.

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Mais, bien sûr, de rigeur I am a flanneling flaneur.

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I fare thee well and the Paul Weller.

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Orgasms are like buses: you wait and you wait and you wait for one to come along AND THEN…you get tired of putting your finger up.

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I love it when me and the wife come to blows…But now she only does it on special occasions. #sadface

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I’m gonna sleep like a baby tonight…latched onto a tit!

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We did keep waiting for her to have a pregnant pause, but she just kept on popping them out.

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None of the four humours are particularly humorous. Funny that.

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A guy just told me to ‘Swear Down’, so I ducked and told him to f**k off.

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I’m a total individual. I have no common sense at all.

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I’m totally unprincipled. I was homeschooled.

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I’m a hardened Viagra user.

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I’m an irremedial joker, not even Calpol can save me.

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Why did I become a urologist? I guess I wanted to take the piss out of people.

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I think my sat nav’s broken. It drove me to distraction the other day.

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Can you oversee my oversights?

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It’s the perks in life that keep us perky.

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Question: is it still discrimination if I do it indiscriminately?

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Can I get a witness?…No wait, an alibi.

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He was on a steep learning curve. As he plummeted from the roof of the maths department he traced an almost perfect parabola.

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Por un pobre perro que maté, mataperros me llamaron; por una gata rica que lamé, nomás me mataron.

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America has everything to offer but its people.

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I have in my life occasionally come across women that don’t believe in sex before marriage. But in all my days I’ve yet to meet even one that believes in after.

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Your Mama so frigid even when she take a shower she don’t get wet.

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I Am – much like that Jean off Eastenders – Committed

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I Am – much like Britney Spears’ room at the Priory – Reserved

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I Am – much like the legs of a granny on a long-haul flight – Vainglorious (Mmmmm)

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I Am – much like Mr T – Pitiful

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I Am – much like a Whirpool washing machine – Edifying

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I Am – much like a Dutch Oven – Inspired

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I Am – much like emergency mouth-to-mouth – Inspirational

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I Am – much like hives – Rash

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I Am – much like a certain black ram – Moreish

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I Am – much like a Habitat kitchenware sale – Dishy

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I Am – much like Kerry Ketona – On Heat

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I Am – much as you’d think the name Geldof would be – Unimpeachable

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I Am – much like a goat in East Africa – Gifted.

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I Am – much like Dolly – SheepISH

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I Am – much like a baboon – Mooning

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I am – much like Ronaldinho’s mouth – Toothsome

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I Am – much like…well, I think you all know what to insert here – Hard Up

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Blackberry Muffin – Latest generation smartphone now with built-in sex doll.

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PC Gone Mad – A computer that takes the hardrive hostage and threatens to blow itself up.

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Muslin Terrorist – Cotton-clad fashion misfit that haunts Trinny and Susannah’s nightmares.

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Injury – This week’s it celebrities as chosen by Heat magazine to give the verdict on the Endemol televised trial of Islamist terrorists.

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Heat Magazine – A twice-daily for women with Thrush.

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Nuts Magazine – A trade publication for boys searching for discontinued Meccano pieces.

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Trailfinders – Mothers who find skid marks doing their son’s laundry.

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Bratwurst – What most men try to convince women their weiner is.

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Fanny Addams: Horror ride.

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On The Breadline – The four hours each day the Presidential Hotline was engaged because Bush was choking on a pretzel.

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Vaseline Intensive Care – Extreme diligence in lubing up.

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Lubrication – Blocking the toilet with an absolute beast.

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Peas In A Pod – Catheterisation.

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Limp Bizkit – Staple diet of all boarding school boys.

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Ejaculation – Ecstasy felt by a Hoodie when he jacks your phone and iPod.

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Blaxploitation – Scene occurring in the prison shower after said Hoodie is sent down for jacking said phone and iPod.

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Built-in nigrescene

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The funk is with this one

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I’m a wit. To wit, a Genius.

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Fortune Favours The Rave

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BE THE BEAST YOU CAN BE!

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